issues lesbian has to deal with

because i am very annoyed by this question.
you know when you just build the courage and bare your soul to tell someone that you are gay.
specifically girl friend that you are hoping they don't hate you. and guess what out of all the possible question in the world and they decided to pick the most common and number one rated annoying question "so do you have feeling for me?" or "what do you feel when you look at me?".
me be like.........................all you can say is just that? you're not gonna ask how am i doing? am i okay? and my answer to that is bitch no. i see you as a friend women! puhlisss. don't get yourself ahead. you are not everyone's type.

straight people that have friends coming out to you please don't ask the question above. it's just a big NO. you can ask some of the questions below
1. you're okay?
2. are you breathing? >>>>because coming out took a lot of effort. anxiety is the worst and believe me they are definitely holding their breath.
3. so i guess i am your dearest friend? >>>>> because you might be that person she trust and believe that you have her back.
.
.
.
so yeah.

what are we

been a while huh..
tadaaa am back. hey hey. well i wanted to write a post but then again life happen yo. no one can escape that right. so lets talk. open up..which i rarely do. so lets
.
.
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it's been a while dayan. haiii sorry i've been missing and not at the same time. am always here. just being me invisible i guess. anyway it's getting awkward between us huh. haha i guess that's what happen when you don't communicate with them after a while.

i'm here you know. that's all i wanna say really. hahaha
you need to talk or someone to listen to. i am always there. if i get to you  a bit late. sorry. it's either am super busy or am in shitty mood or am driving or etc. but i will get back to you.

you know when i make this blog. well technically you made me make this blog so i guess it's your blog slash our blog sometime. and i agreed because a part of me want us to stay in good relationship even tho we already breaking up. to bring us back to the place that make us happy at some point and to cherish the memories.

break up is hard. it's hurting and everyone have their own way of coping with it. what sadden me is you one of a good person that i hurt. am not happy with that. but it doesn't mean i am not moving forward. and i really do hope that you do to. cause life is too short. we're two different people who just got caught up in situation that none of us can predict what's going to happen.

relationship is not for everyone. i wish i knew back than but i know that now. but am thankful because i got to know you and i learn about me more. i grow so much. all i hope is you get to grow as much as i did from the breakup and maybe more. find what makes you happy. and by god love is not everything. there's a lot out there that you can experience. and learn about youself and what can make you happy. just got to go out and explore.

like you said move forward. you fall you get on your feet and walk again. true. am good don't worry if you're wondering. ngeeee~ in my own way that is.
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life is short. say what you want to say. do what you want to do. don't hold back you only got one life and live it to the fullest. i am trying to live too. working hard to stay alive.
.
and for those wondering what happen between us. breakup happen. life happen. falling out of love happen. it doesn't mean the feeling wasn't real. it doesn't mean i don't love her anymore either. you just grew. and you know when it doesn't click. you can't force it. at least for me that is. unfortunately the growing process for me is by putting two heart in pain. but it's okay. it's life lesson.

i wish life is kinder to you. live well.

Hey Birthday Girl.

Happy belated birthday Imani. Sorry for the late wish.
I hope you will always be fine. And if you're not, stay strong. Don't give up. You know you can do it.
Happy happy always, okay? Good luck in everything you do. :)

Hilang

Jelas janggal  bila hanya panggilan nama yang mampu keluar dari ulas bibir tanpa ada sebarang pesan yang menyusul. Pandangan mata yang bertembung juga janggal. Masing-masing cuba berbicara melalui pandangan tapi tiada tafsiran. Tangan tua yang dikucup disusuli pesanan, tetapi tanpa suara. Hanya mampu berbisik dalam hati, "semoga cepat sembuh". Di bibir, panggilan nama sahaja yang terzahir. Kemudian masing-masing sunyi. Bisu. Kita dekat, tapi jauh. Atau jauh, tapi dekat.

*******

Sebetulnya aku tidak keruan sejak dari awal. Walau cuba berlagak tenang namun aku tahu ada resah dalam hati. Debar setiap hari memikirkan dia yang menghadapi. Walau cuba meyakinkan diri yang dia akan kembali dalam seminggu dua lagi. Tetap juga aku risau, buku pun aku tak mampu nak tatap.

*******

Terasa janggal bila kejanggalan yang sudah menjadi rutin itu hilang. Untuk hidup secara biasa selepas sekian lama kejanggalan merupakan perkara biasa adalah janggal. Walaupun hubungan kita janggal, ianya tetap sebuah hubungan. Dan aku, walaupun janggal, tetap rindu.

*******

Bila kehilangan, sayang atau benci, ianya tetap kehilangan. Akan ada yang kurang. Tetap akan rasa hilang.

*******

Takdir Tuhan itu aneh. Sekian lama kami rasa kami bersedia, tapi bila ia datang semuanya menjadi asing. Macam mimpi. Susah nak percaya. Susah nak terima. Takdir Tuhan. Perancangan dan kehendak Dia melebihi pengetahuan hamba-hambaNya. Hanya Dia Yang Maha Mengetahui. Harap Dia berikan kami kekuatan. Harap ini menjadi pengajaran.

*******

Semoga tenang. Semoga sejahtera.

*******

Kepada yang sudi cuti untuk teman kami, terima kasih. Saya hargai.




-Dayan-

perempuan

i'm a girl, i love a girl and i'm okay with that. -unknown-

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[000]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

you can change as much as you want
you can be whoever you want to be
but you can never lie to your self.
.
berubah itu pasti. mengikut rentak masing-masing, tapi-
takkan dapat ditipu naluri diri sendiri. suka ataupun tidak. ubahlah dari atas sampai bawah takkan pernah hilang perasaan. takkan dapat ditipu hati jantung limpa sendiri.
....
perempuan itu cantik. maka terbitlah post ini.
ramai pulak la hai yg cantik menarik nya. sebab nak cakap hai pon tak boleh. jadi cakap la "hai awak" di blog. straight macam tiang letrik. memang tak de harapan. jadi-
jangan di harap apa yang tak mungkin dapat. jangan dikenang yang tak mungkin hadir.
.
.

Besday!

Hepi besday Dayan!! Well hepi belated birthday actually. Sorry for the late wish. Hehe.
Anyway best wishes to you in everything you do!
May God bless you always!
Have a hepi hepi life.

Jatuh, Sakit, dan Malu

Jatuh kat tempat awam adalah sesuatu yang memalukan. Sakit dah jadi hal nombor dua. Malu lebih penting. Tambah celaka bila jangka masa untuk punggung kau cecah lantai dalam proses jatuh tu serasa sangat panjang. Atau masa serasa bergerak sangat perlahan sampai kau sempat fikir macam mana keadaan dan posisi kau bila jatuh nanti.

Dalam keadaan tengah kalut, aku jatuh kat tempat orang menunggu. Rasa macam aku tengah buat lawak jenaka untuk hiburkan hati para manusia yang mengantuk, risau, penat, sakit, dan entah apa lagi kat tempat menunggu tu. Nasib aku agak baik sebab aku jatuh dalam keadaan membelakangkan majoriti penonton yang ada. Jadi aku tak nampak reaksi diorang bila tengok persembahan aku tu. Disebabkan aku jatuh terduduk, punggung adalah bahagian yang paling terkesan. Sakit sampai sekarang.

Lepas beberapa saat duduk sambil menahan sakit dan mengenang nasib diri, aku bangun dan terus blah. Tak tengok belakang dah. Huhuhu. Masuk dalam kereta pastu sambung mengenang nasib dan memikirkan malu yang terpaksa aku tanggung. Dalam masa yang sama kena tanggung sakit jugak. Pastu aku macam, "Ceh, nak malu apa lah sangat. Dulu masa sekolah lagi teruk aku jatuh. Lagi luas tempat aku buat show. Lagi ramai penonton."

Yep. Aku pernah jatuh masa sekolah dulu. Jatuh dalam longkang pulak tu. Tengah hujan pulak tu. Orang ramai pulak tu. Aku nampak orang gelakkan aku pulak tu. Aku panjat keluar dari dalam longkang sendiri pulak tu. Jatuh bangun sendiri lah ceritanya. Tak ada orang tolong pon. Tapi masa tu aku tak fikir malu sangat. Aku fikir macam mana nak balik rumah.

Jadi, apa lah sangat setakat jatuh terduduk depan orang sakit dan ahli keluarga atau rakan-rakan orang yang tengah sakit tu. Aku dah pernah jatuh lagi teruk. Lagi pun normal la. Jatuh ja pon. Macam la ada manusia yang pernah tak jatuh. Sekurang-kurangnya aku bagi hiburan sikit kat mereka yang tengah stress atau apa. Lepas aku dah berfikiran sedikit positif tu, kakak aku datang sambil gelak-gelak. Aku pon gelak-gelak. Dah puas gelak, kitorang beransur semula ke tempat menunggu tadi. Sambung menunggu. Aku terpaksa buat muka keras sambil tahan sakit. Walaupun dah kurang, tapi masih jugak malu.

Kesimpulannya, jatuh menyebabkan sakit dan malu. Tapi rileks la. Semua orang pernah jatuh kot. Jadi tak perlu sampai ada rasa nak berhibernasi selama setahun hanya kerana anda jatuh di hadapan khalayak ramai. Dah jatuh tu bangun ja. Kalau rasa lawak, gelak. Kalau rasa sakit, jumpa doktor. Kalau rasa malu, lari la sekejap. Bawak diri. Kalau nak nangis sebab sakit atau malu atau apa, nangis ja. Lepas tu teruskan lah hidup selagi masih diberi peluang untuk hidup. "Semua orang pernah jatuh."

Selamat berpuasa.

-Dayan-