what are we

been a while huh..
tadaaa am back. hey hey. well i wanted to write a post but then again life happen yo. no one can escape that right. so lets talk. open up..which i rarely do. so lets
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it's been a while dayan. haiii sorry i've been missing and not at the same time. am always here. just being me invisible i guess. anyway it's getting awkward between us huh. haha i guess that's what happen when you don't communicate with them after a while.

i'm here you know. that's all i wanna say really. hahaha
you need to talk or someone to listen to. i am always there. if i get to you  a bit late. sorry. it's either am super busy or am in shitty mood or am driving or etc. but i will get back to you.

you know when i make this blog. well technically you made me make this blog so i guess it's your blog slash our blog sometime. and i agreed because a part of me want us to stay in good relationship even tho we already breaking up. to bring us back to the place that make us happy at some point and to cherish the memories.

break up is hard. it's hurting and everyone have their own way of coping with it. what sadden me is you one of a good person that i hurt. am not happy with that. but it doesn't mean i am not moving forward. and i really do hope that you do to. cause life is too short. we're two different people who just got caught up in situation that none of us can predict what's going to happen.

relationship is not for everyone. i wish i knew back than but i know that now. but am thankful because i got to know you and i learn about me more. i grow so much. all i hope is you get to grow as much as i did from the breakup and maybe more. find what makes you happy. and by god love is not everything. there's a lot out there that you can experience. and learn about youself and what can make you happy. just got to go out and explore.

like you said move forward. you fall you get on your feet and walk again. true. am good don't worry if you're wondering. ngeeee~ in my own way that is.
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life is short. say what you want to say. do what you want to do. don't hold back you only got one life and live it to the fullest. i am trying to live too. working hard to stay alive.
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and for those wondering what happen between us. breakup happen. life happen. falling out of love happen. it doesn't mean the feeling wasn't real. it doesn't mean i don't love her anymore either. you just grew. and you know when it doesn't click. you can't force it. at least for me that is. unfortunately the growing process for me is by putting two heart in pain. but it's okay. it's life lesson.

i wish life is kinder to you. live well.

Hey Birthday Girl.

Happy belated birthday Imani. Sorry for the late wish.
I hope you will always be fine. And if you're not, stay strong. Don't give up. You know you can do it.
Happy happy always, okay? Good luck in everything you do. :)

Hilang

Jelas janggal  bila hanya panggilan nama yang mampu keluar dari ulas bibir tanpa ada sebarang pesan yang menyusul. Pandangan mata yang bertembung juga janggal. Masing-masing cuba berbicara melalui pandangan tapi tiada tafsiran. Tangan tua yang dikucup disusuli pesanan, tetapi tanpa suara. Hanya mampu berbisik dalam hati, "semoga cepat sembuh". Di bibir, panggilan nama sahaja yang terzahir. Kemudian masing-masing sunyi. Bisu. Kita dekat, tapi jauh. Atau jauh, tapi dekat.

*******

Sebetulnya aku tidak keruan sejak dari awal. Walau cuba berlagak tenang namun aku tahu ada resah dalam hati. Debar setiap hari memikirkan dia yang menghadapi. Walau cuba meyakinkan diri yang dia akan kembali dalam seminggu dua lagi. Tetap juga aku risau, buku pun aku tak mampu nak tatap.

*******

Terasa janggal bila kejanggalan yang sudah menjadi rutin itu hilang. Untuk hidup secara biasa selepas sekian lama kejanggalan merupakan perkara biasa adalah janggal. Walaupun hubungan kita janggal, ianya tetap sebuah hubungan. Dan aku, walaupun janggal, tetap rindu.

*******

Bila kehilangan, sayang atau benci, ianya tetap kehilangan. Akan ada yang kurang. Tetap akan rasa hilang.

*******

Takdir Tuhan itu aneh. Sekian lama kami rasa kami bersedia, tapi bila ia datang semuanya menjadi asing. Macam mimpi. Susah nak percaya. Susah nak terima. Takdir Tuhan. Perancangan dan kehendak Dia melebihi pengetahuan hamba-hambaNya. Hanya Dia Yang Maha Mengetahui. Harap Dia berikan kami kekuatan. Harap ini menjadi pengajaran.

*******

Semoga tenang. Semoga sejahtera.

*******

Kepada yang sudi cuti untuk teman kami, terima kasih. Saya hargai.




-Dayan-

perempuan

i'm a girl, i love a girl and i'm okay with that. -unknown-

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[000]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

you can change as much as you want
you can be whoever you want to be
but you can never lie to your self.
.
berubah itu pasti. mengikut rentak masing-masing, tapi-
takkan dapat ditipu naluri diri sendiri. suka ataupun tidak. ubahlah dari atas sampai bawah takkan pernah hilang perasaan. takkan dapat ditipu hati jantung limpa sendiri.
....
perempuan itu cantik. maka terbitlah post ini.
ramai pulak la hai yg cantik menarik nya. sebab nak cakap hai pon tak boleh. jadi cakap la "hai awak" di blog. straight macam tiang letrik. memang tak de harapan. jadi-
jangan di harap apa yang tak mungkin dapat. jangan dikenang yang tak mungkin hadir.
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Besday!

Hepi besday Dayan!! Well hepi belated birthday actually. Sorry for the late wish. Hehe.
Anyway best wishes to you in everything you do!
May God bless you always!
Have a hepi hepi life.

Jatuh, Sakit, dan Malu

Jatuh kat tempat awam adalah sesuatu yang memalukan. Sakit dah jadi hal nombor dua. Malu lebih penting. Tambah celaka bila jangka masa untuk punggung kau cecah lantai dalam proses jatuh tu serasa sangat panjang. Atau masa serasa bergerak sangat perlahan sampai kau sempat fikir macam mana keadaan dan posisi kau bila jatuh nanti.

Dalam keadaan tengah kalut, aku jatuh kat tempat orang menunggu. Rasa macam aku tengah buat lawak jenaka untuk hiburkan hati para manusia yang mengantuk, risau, penat, sakit, dan entah apa lagi kat tempat menunggu tu. Nasib aku agak baik sebab aku jatuh dalam keadaan membelakangkan majoriti penonton yang ada. Jadi aku tak nampak reaksi diorang bila tengok persembahan aku tu. Disebabkan aku jatuh terduduk, punggung adalah bahagian yang paling terkesan. Sakit sampai sekarang.

Lepas beberapa saat duduk sambil menahan sakit dan mengenang nasib diri, aku bangun dan terus blah. Tak tengok belakang dah. Huhuhu. Masuk dalam kereta pastu sambung mengenang nasib dan memikirkan malu yang terpaksa aku tanggung. Dalam masa yang sama kena tanggung sakit jugak. Pastu aku macam, "Ceh, nak malu apa lah sangat. Dulu masa sekolah lagi teruk aku jatuh. Lagi luas tempat aku buat show. Lagi ramai penonton."

Yep. Aku pernah jatuh masa sekolah dulu. Jatuh dalam longkang pulak tu. Tengah hujan pulak tu. Orang ramai pulak tu. Aku nampak orang gelakkan aku pulak tu. Aku panjat keluar dari dalam longkang sendiri pulak tu. Jatuh bangun sendiri lah ceritanya. Tak ada orang tolong pon. Tapi masa tu aku tak fikir malu sangat. Aku fikir macam mana nak balik rumah.

Jadi, apa lah sangat setakat jatuh terduduk depan orang sakit dan ahli keluarga atau rakan-rakan orang yang tengah sakit tu. Aku dah pernah jatuh lagi teruk. Lagi pun normal la. Jatuh ja pon. Macam la ada manusia yang pernah tak jatuh. Sekurang-kurangnya aku bagi hiburan sikit kat mereka yang tengah stress atau apa. Lepas aku dah berfikiran sedikit positif tu, kakak aku datang sambil gelak-gelak. Aku pon gelak-gelak. Dah puas gelak, kitorang beransur semula ke tempat menunggu tadi. Sambung menunggu. Aku terpaksa buat muka keras sambil tahan sakit. Walaupun dah kurang, tapi masih jugak malu.

Kesimpulannya, jatuh menyebabkan sakit dan malu. Tapi rileks la. Semua orang pernah jatuh kot. Jadi tak perlu sampai ada rasa nak berhibernasi selama setahun hanya kerana anda jatuh di hadapan khalayak ramai. Dah jatuh tu bangun ja. Kalau rasa lawak, gelak. Kalau rasa sakit, jumpa doktor. Kalau rasa malu, lari la sekejap. Bawak diri. Kalau nak nangis sebab sakit atau malu atau apa, nangis ja. Lepas tu teruskan lah hidup selagi masih diberi peluang untuk hidup. "Semua orang pernah jatuh."

Selamat berpuasa.

-Dayan-

Heya heya

Expectation and reality seems to never fit.
You go your way I go mine.

One morning we might wake up forgetting all
or we might wake up remembering all.

For now I can only look forward
as me don't even know what to do.

We do what we do best
drifting in the ocean on life.

***********

we create a space in hoping we might connect still.
not so much I believe.
Respect each other and we try to better ourselves.
Imani is a bundle of fracture that at the edge of breaking.
She tries to reach out. But she cannot escape from making mistakes.
She ended up dragging others with her and breaking them.
She don't blame her self no more.
Deep down everyone scared to get hurt. So does she.
But she tried. And she learn.
There is no other way to live ain't it?

**********

It's been a while since I posted anything here.
just passing by.

Kau marah bila pasukan bola sepak kegemaran kau asyik kalah. Maki team fevret kau tu berbakul-bakul. Seri pun kena maki..kalah apatah lagi. Tapi tak pulak kau marah diri kau bila kau asyik kalah lawan nafsu sendiri. Asyik suruh bersangka baik dengan diri sendiri..asyik cakap "takpa, cuba lagi" dan "jangan putus asa". Tapi asyik jugak kau ulang benda yang dah kau tau memang salah. Masih jugak kau kalah. You're being unfair..being biased.

*******

" It's not happy people who are thankful. It's thankful people who are happy."
So, be thankful.

*******

Sila potong kuku wahai anda-anda yang berkuku panjang. Since hari ni hari jumaat, boleh jugak dapat pahala sunat.

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Happy 18th March, people.

*******

-Dayan-

Love Like This

After more than two years knowing each other
I finally met her for the first time
Well it was great to love and adore someone this much
Without having any romantic feeling towards her
For a gay like me..yes, it's real great.

p/s: I love you, E.


-Dayan-

finally

akhirnya aku dah buat something yang menunjukkan aku adalah manusia.
bukan sejenis robot.

p/s: sesiapa tolong sampaikan salam aku kat dalam gobok..aku adalah secret admirer beliau.





-Dayan-

My lesbian side

Do you ever look back on your childhood and get blown away by how gay you were before you even knew what gay was. -Tumblr-

BAM!!! Mind Blown! it's so on point. And then your life is a living hell. hahaha

Lesbian problem:

texting with bff then she be like i miss you. then you'd be like miss you too. then she'd be like i really really miss you wanna hangout bla bla bla.. then you dunno how  to respon. LOL.. too scared she gonna misunderstood. too scared she'll think "you're still gay?", too scared you gonna loose your best friend. 

chatting with bestfriend...then out of the blue gay topic comes in...then he'd be like why do people be gay. how can they be gay? it's a choice. you can choose not to be gay. Then it's your ques to speak..you'd be like yeah..right. choice. ahap.. i dunno. then deep down in your heart you ask the same shit.. aahh what exactly the choice? 

1. not be gay = lie to yourself 
2. be gay = be a bad muslim 
3. accept your gay and not be gay = be miserable.

Well whatever. I'm still alive and i still love my family and friends.

Gif explain the story of my life

wish i had a bestfriend who could just say this to my face and be like mehh

YUPP!!!! the eyes doe. especially the eyes 

DO YOU PEEPS! DO YOU
LOVING IT. LOL

Because am bored..

Pilih

Orang cakap kalau nak pilih pasangan, pilihlah yang sayang kita lebih..bukan yang kita sayang dia lebih.

Cerita dia macam ni..si A sayang kat si B..si B pulak sayang kat si C..dan si C lebih sayang kat si D..si D just sayang si E saja..then si E pulak hanya sayang si A.

Kalau nak pilih yang lebih sayang kita, baik si E pilih si D kan?tapi si D tu pulak baik la pilih si C..tapi si C tu pulak lagi bagus pilih si B..tapi si B tu sepatutnya baik pilih si A..tapi si A pulak selayaknya pilih si E..tapi baik si E  pilih si D kan?tapi si D tu pulak baik pilih si C..tapi si C tu pulak lagi bagus pilih si B..tapi si B tu sepatutnya baik pilih si A..tapi si A pulak selayaknya pilih si E..

Dan akhirnya A,B,C,D dan E meninggal dalam usia 80an..mereka semua berstatus bujang hinggalah nafas yang terakhir dihembuskan.

Bodonya cerita ni.

-Dayan-

Talk

I can remember the good old days,

Where you and me, we used to hide away

Where the stars were shining or the sun was blinding our eyes

Yeah, you filled up my glass

With promises that could never last

But I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind

And all of the things that we once said,

Are not in my heart, they're in my head

That was the time to say goodbye

Let's put it to rest, yeah, let it die

'cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now

Yeah, we've been down that road before

That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name

Now it just don't feel the same

Guess it's over, yeah, we're done

I heard you made your way downtown

To the place I've been hanging around

I was looking for your face in the crowd

But trying to keep my head down

Over time our wires crossed

Well you changed and the truth got lost

All the things I would change if we could only rewind

You were a moment in life that comes and goes

A riddle, a rhyme that no one knows

A change of a heart, a twist of fate

Couldn't fix it, it's too late

'cause we don't, we don't need to talk about this now

Yeah, we've been down that road before

That was then and this is now

The crowds in my heart they've been calling out your name

But it just don't feel the same

I guess it's over, yeah, we're done

We don't, we don't need to talk about this now