Which One Is You?

Baru tau yang Suatu Pernah by Fynn Jamal dah ada music video.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p50Z3U1Gt1A


Jadi, "Suatu Pernah" yang manakah adalah anda?
Saya adalah Nadiya Nisaa.

-Dayan-

Hilang Rasa

Pernah tak, lapar sampai rasa kenyang
tanpa makan?
Bagus kalau pernah.

Tak lah aku rasa weirdo sangat.

-Dayan-

Transit Girl

dah ape masalah aku...haha rasa remaja sekejap
citer yang sangat cute..sgt lah cheesy and corny..LOL
tapi nasib baik a cute..

stand still

For the better or worse, for the happy for the hurt.

i can see myself cry
everything become still
i can feel the scream in my heart
everything seems emotionless
i can see the darkness that started to grew in my eyes
and it's the moment i start to feel my own feeling.
i am torn.. i am mess..
when and how, i don't know.
it's creeping in our self and rule everything.
the struggle is real.
i am ready to cry surrender.
hate come and regret follows.
where has love been?

it's short. it's brief but it teach me a lot.
it's sweet and yet it doesn't last.
it's hard but it's right.

#

Cinta aku
bukan cuma terlarang
tapi juga bertepuk sebelah tangan.

Random

p/s: All photo credit goes to the rightful owners.

Cerita Kita...kononnya

Blog ni..nama ja cerita kita.

Padahal satu cerita kita pun tak ada.

Sengal kuasa dua..dua-dua sengal.

Semalam Ganu kalah.ceh!merasa jugak team Lions12 jejak quarter final Piala Malaysia.but nothing to argue lah.dah memang rezeki diorang..Ganu main pun memang best.nampak semangat nak menang kat situ even padang dah serupa macam bendang.still main power.players Lions12 sepak bola tapi bola tak begerak.hahaha..yang tu serious lawak.nampak yang diorang tu manja2 belaka.boleh main dalam padang santek ja.kalau main dalam padang yang ala2 bendang,skill diorang terus tenggelam di laut yang dalam.TAPI si Izwan Mahbud tu..pakai goalie gloves ajaib ke apa?asal tangkap bola ja lekat..tangkap bola ja lekat.bola basah kottt.boleh disimpulkan bahawa beliau adalah penyumbang besar kepada kekalahan Ganu malam tadi,selain daripada nasib yang tidak menyebelahi team diorang.

Dengan kekalahan tersebut,maka tamatlah sudah riwayat Sang Penyu dalam kempen Piala Malaysia tahun ni.kalau panjang umur,tahun depan dapat tengok si Gustavo Lopez menyepak bola lagi.Kelantan pun dah bungkus sebab Selangor kalah lawan Felda..huh!!nyampah.tinggal satu ja lagi tempat kosong untuk slot quarter final ni.either ATM,Sarawak or Perak.please la..please make it two (yang ni aku sorang ja faham kot) pretty pleaseeee..btw,congrats JDT sbb menang AFC cup hari tu..and satu lagi btw,bakal wife Baddrol Bakhtiar adalah santek.mwaaahaha!

Actually aku nak tulis pasal "cerita kita" tapi.....

Dah tertulis pasal bola..telupa dah ceritera kita apa yang nak ditulis.

Lain kali lah..

huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhu *repeat until fade

-Dayan-

Mati bukan penyelesaian - Imany

sesuatu yang tidak patut

apa nak jadi dengan kau ni! hidup ini memang akan sentiasa penuh dengan cabaran. kalau tak ada cabaran bukan kehidupan la pulak. kenapa kenapa kenapa kau begitu lemah sehingga engkau diambang untuk memutuskan talian hidup engkau sendiri. mana kewarasan kau? mana keberanian kau? mana keimanan kau? mana kesetiaan kau? mana mana mana???? jawablah!

engkau malu kan kan kan. malu dengan diri sendiri... kalau 'aku' nampak kau macam ni yakinlah bahawa dia akan menangis melihat engkau jadi seorang yang betul betul tak berguna tak berbaloi untuk bergelar aku langsung! mana pergi sikap care free kau? mana pergi sifat cool kau tu?? dah tak boleh cool lagi dah? dah tak mampu nak buat muka tak tahu..dah tak bermaya untuk tutup mata hati dan jalani hidup yang gila ni dengan niat yang satu kerana Allah s.w.t...

EH...SIAPA KAU!!! nak buat sesuatu diluar takdir Allah s.w.t. siapa kau nak ambil dan buang sesuatu dengan sesuka hati.. sedarlah diri sikit kita ni meminjam jer..kita pinjam jer semua nikmat dan apa yang kita ada sekarang ni dari DIA yang maha satu tau~ apa kau ingat bila kau tutup mata semua masalah lari.. semua perasaan yang membelenggu kau pergi.. semua fikiran kau mati?!

kau salah!! salah!!  pernah kau fikir apa akan jadi kalau kau pergi macam tu..macam mana dengan bonda tersayang? ya masa tu kau rasa tak apa dia ada anak anak dia yang lain. kau yakin ke diorang bleh jaga bonda seperti mana kau jaga? kau rasa bonda tak kan menangis saban hari kerana terpaksa memandikan mayat anak bongsu dia? sepatutnya anak dia yang mandikan dia..ini tidak,sebaliknya pulak... kau rasa dia mampu ke nak jalani hidup ni. engkau dah menyebabkan bonda menangis... sudah sudah lah sakit kan hati dia sudah sudah lah sedih kan hati dia.. engkau dah banyak berdosa.. sesungguhnya anak yang menyebabkan ibuya menitiskan air mata kesedihan adalah sangat derhaka!! engkau dah banyak menitiskan air mata ibu kau kan.. DAH LAH~

Apa kau ingat bila kau tutup mata semua masalah kau selesai..tutup buku.. ~THE END~..

HAH~ selesai lah sangat....engkau sedar tak engkau bakal menghancurkan hidup ramai orang, menyusahkan ramai orang yang engkau sayang.. engkau sebenarnya nak tamatkan hidup kau sebab tak nak menyusahkan orang lain lagi dah..tapi kau sedar tak yang kau menyeksa mereka lagi sebenarnya.... kenapa kau jadi macam ni? kenapa...aku tahu kau ada masalah. tapi yakinlah dengan ALLAH SWT...sesungguhnya dia akan sentiasa bersama kita.

Luah lah sepuas puasnya.. lepaskan beban dihati kau tu...let everything go except your faith to GOD...

************************************* Imani 2015

Semua orang ada dark side and nice side.

aku panggil black and white hati aku.

atas tu adalah luahan hati white aku, selepas..........

YES..I am crazy. Masa tu...depression has taken over me.

Guess what?! 

I am still breathing and definitely alive till today. 

What happen?

I lost it.. I just lost it. 

I am all alone. No one knows who I really am that time. I really am alone. 

I have a lot of friends and a few close friends. But none of them can accept "ME"...

"ME"= lesbian (whatever you call it)

It's hard to go through life that time. I can't talk to anyone. I can't reach out. Masa tu rasa macam drowning and you just tired to try and stay alive.

I feel like no one understand me..people are disgusted by me. I feel disgusted by me. I can't even accept myself. self hatred is at the maximum that time.

Then I decided to move on. God give me second chance. So, I promise myself that I don't want to have anything to do with love or this kind of feeling anymore. I just want to be normal. or rather just forget everything

Then.... I am so alone. Too alone. 

Then I met Dayan. I just want to be friend. Because I know I will end up hurting her one day if we became more than friend. I just cannot trust my heart. I feel thorn between her and God.

But I stupid selfishly want her. I fall for her. She makes me feel happy and she makes me feel something. That i never felt before.. She is very comforting.

And yes.. I did not fail myself. I broke her heart. and mine. 

But.. I have to accept myself. I have to acknowledge myself. My true nature.

I AM HEARTLESS

The guilt for dragging her into this painful journey is killing me. The only thing that make me still held my head up is GOD. He knows what's He is doing. All I need to do is redha.

I'm going to be sorry for the rest of my life.

But I am not sorry that I met you sayang even for a short time. I have this beautiful memory to keep. Thank you for everything.

All things aside... I learn in a hard way that people stumble even though they know what is right and what is wrong. Because people if just a piece of perfect imperfect art. And people can move on because Heart is a piece of meat that belongs to God with its nature of changing anytime with His will.

########sorry for my bad writing. I am just bad at it.

People is people - Lesbian ke bukan lebian ke

We change.

People is people we change.

I want to change. for the better that is.
But that doesn't mean I am not lesbian. Lesbian is just a name. I am who I am. I like girls. I will always do. But I also accept that I am a muslim and God doesn't approve of it. I will never halal kan yang haram. Haramkan yang halal.

I accept who I am. Love myself. I believe God knows best for me.
Yes, its hurt! Yes its hard!
But I have God to support me.
It's not easy..It's not impossible either.

The sweetest pain....

Coming Out - Muslim - Typical Malaysian - Part 2

Sorry it took me a while to update the continuation of this..hehe

So, where were we...........................hmmm.

After I told my mother, I am still scared as hell. I started hated everything. The teenage hormone is making me crazy!! I keep feeling disgusted by myself. I tried so hard to reach out. I think it's actually trying to be accepted. I don't know what is what not anymore. I cried..a lot. I hate.. a lot. During the time I was in that school my grade have booooommm dropping down like crazy. I almost failed half of the subjects that i took. So..after a while i decided i want out. I cant stay there. I am scared. I LIKE GIRLS.....that time is like I JUST KILL A PERSON. Crazy...no one should feel this.

Before I transferred, I told one of my closest friend because I am a total mess. And she's been asking. and yeah..."IT'S WRONG"says her. What do you expect right. hahahaha... i kinda knew what she's gonna say. But it felt relief a bit. Like you don't have to hide. It felt good in one way..

So, I transferred back to my hometown and started studying at my old school. How I get through it..I seriously don't know. The first few years after that "awakening" is hard. Painful, sad, a lot of anger, mad at the world, self loathing and the list keeps going. As you grew, you started to think better. Making a better judgment and you learn to accept. It took me few years though. LOL... well i am a bit slow... but I get through and I am proud for that.

It still there, I still cried over it sometime before sleep. But the anger has lessen and I learn to embrace this side of me that no one can know,that there is no hope in it and so, I have chosen my path. I think I started to move forward and totally accept me for me..and God loves us all no matter what other people say. The acceptance process happened is when I went to Umrah I believe. Yeah...it hit me hard...i cried a lot!! hahahahahaha... I started accepting who I am. I will always like what I like, I will always love what I love and I am a Muslim. What you do with your feeling determine your path. As I have chosen to Just try to be better muslim and better person everyday is enough. God knows.

Embracing is not as easy as saying it...it required times to make your heart ready. It required Iman even just tiny bit of it. Just hold on..cried when it gets hard, laugh it off when it hurts, sleep when it gets tiring. 


Peace :)
try to come out to someone is not easy. try it...but be sure that person won't kill you, That is dangerous. Don't.

Come out to us stranger can be easier...at least it'll make you feel better. Believe me.. it really does.

Coming Out - Muslim - Typical Malaysian - Respond

Time never on our side.
we move forward...unnoticed.
life is like the wind,seem very effortless..
but it last....as long as we still have the memory.

I still remember my 1st time coming out....
which is shocking!!...haha to think that i have the guts to tell someone that is.

I realize about me liking a girl not in the same way as my friends is when i was 16.
and it scares the hell out of me... just for the record.. i was raised in a very decent family.
not super religious but yeah..  my mother really care about us being a good muslim.
So, when i realize that i actually like girls.. i am so scared. why?
This is wrong.. God going to hate me.. I pray that please god do not make me gay.
I was balling my eyes...

When I was 16 i was in the state of denial and you know unstable emotion of teenager.. rebelling and all.. so i dont really know what to do.

I am totally at lost, i am scared, i never felt so lonely in mylife then that time... i felt very guilty as if i have done the biggest sin ever. then again i was thinking what is my sin? what did i do to deserve this? am i a bad kid? why am i such a weirdo.. why why why....endless why. i want answers so badly.

As i am at the edge of breaking... i think this is when i started to have depression. I try to reach out before i fall in the darkness completely. During that time I was in a something like boarding school. So i give a call to my mother and yep.. i told her. She of cause freak out. Telling me that it is wrong.. this the satan way of playing with your feeling. heh.... (how i wish that my mother would tell me something else that time..huhu i was crying so hard...) 

To be continue>>>> ^__^

The curtain is up..Introducing Dayan Imani

Life is never what we expect it would be.
Life never turns out to be what we want it to be.
This is bitter sweet life.

********************************************

This is our blog. (meaning there is two person involved in the making of this blog)

Who are we?

Introducing Imani “not a real name” and her partner Dayan “not a real name”

Dayan came up with this idea to create a blog about us. And I am fine with it.

I prefer English because it’s easier for me. Don’t get me wrong I am Malay and I love bahasa but I am just not good at it. Hewhewhew

We are once upon a time a couple. 

Yeah.. we fall in love,

we've been in love,

we grow up,

we fall apart, we broke up,

but we still love each other.

So, what is this blog all about?

It’s about us. This is like our ground zero.

Place where we both can come back to one day and reminded us how we were once in love and how happy we were.

We wanted to share our story with a few of you out there who may be in the same situation as us…maybe not the same but somewhat similar.  \]jhN”? ß  <--- "this is my cat want to say hi".
maybe this blog can help you. we realize..there are very little people out there who understand and able to help us. People tend to judge and disgusted by us, rather than embracing and helping us. So,we are trying to help each other.We just want to live. This is how we're reaching out.

Kenapa Dayan Imani? >>> Sebab manusia tu hanya wujud dalam fantasi kami..kami saja..
Siapa kami?? >>> Kami orang yang melampaui batas..kami yang hanyut..kami yang lalai..
kami yang baru tersedar..tak tak..dia tersedar..Imani yang tersedar..sepatutnya dia lari..selamatkan diri..tapi dia tak..dia cuba kejutkan Dayan dia..Dayan dia yang sangat degil..Dayan dia yang tak mahu faham..(mengutuk diri sendiri sambil makan nasi ayam)..sampai suatu hari Dayan dia bangun juga..bangun tapi masih mamai..masih terawang-awang..masih menerawang..akal Dayan dia yang separa sedar cuba bercakap dengan tuannya..
"macam mana kau nak memiliki dia bila diri kau sendiri bukan milik kau??balik lah..balik kepada pemilik kau..pemilik dia..pemilik langit dan bumi serta segala isi di dalamnya.."
jadi sekarang ni Dayan dia tengah cuba..cuba nak patah balik..dan Imani masih setia..dia masih setia menolong..dia tak lari..terima kasih lah..sebab tak lari..sebab masih ada di sisi..sebab sudi berdoa untuk manusia ni..sebab jadi penyokong yang paling memahami.. :D

Imani - orang Europe..wannabe.. :P
Dayan - orang Melayu sejati..

#girllovesgirl #backtoallah #learningtobebetterperson #embracingourself #lovinggod